Some of our favourite ways to waste time in front of the keyboard!!

Vipers Reef Scuba Game

We Love Scuba ... fantastic animation!

Dive Jokes

One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, with no scuba gear on whatsoever. The diver went below another 10 feet, but the guy joined him a minute later. The diver went below 15 more feet, a minute later, the same guy joined him. This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalkboard, and wrote, "How the heck are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?" The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and wrote, "I'm drowning, you moron!"

Bill and Harry had been dive buddies since college. Almost every weekend, they went diving, summer and winter, dry suit or shorty. On one rare occasion, Bill invited Harry to his home for dinner. (Bill was married, Harry was not.) During dinner, Harry noticed that every time Bill spoke to his wife he used very loving terms -- Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, and so on.
It was when Bill's wife was clearing away the dishes and carried them to the kitchen that Harry remarked, "That is really nice — after all these years that you've been married, you still keep calling your wife all those pet names." Bill looked round quickly and whispered, "To tell you the truth, Harry, I forgot her name years ago."

A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the man and she says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" "Ten years!" he says. She reaches over, unzips this waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!" Then she asked, "How long has it been since you had a drink of whiskey? He replies, "Ten years!" She reaches over, unzips the waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!" Then she starts unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you had some REAL fun?" And the man cries out, "My God! Don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there, too!"

There was a bar by a lake used by scuba divers was and a man walked in carrying a cardboard box. He put the box on the bar and ordered a drink. It was quiet, and the bartender was a talkative fellow. He naturally asked what was in the box. The man didn't answer, but opened the box and took out a miniature grand piano, then a miniature piano stool, and finally, a little man less than a foot tall, who sat at the piano and started to play the most incredible music you had ever heard. "He's fantastic!" said the barman, "Where did you get him?" "Well," said the customer, "I had been diving in the lake when I saw this frog swimming in the middle of lake, at about 15 feet, and looking very tired. I took hold of the frog and carried him to the surface. The frog seemed very relieved, so I carried him to the shore. "When I put him down the frog started to talk! He said he wasn't really a frog, but was a handsome prince turned into a frog by a wicked fairy. And because he had never learned to swim, he wasn't making a very good job of being a frog. And as I had just saved his life, he was going to grant me a wish. "Now, the frog did seem to have difficulty equalizing as we surfaced, and it must have affected his hearing, because I told him my wish – and that was how I got a 10" pianist!"

A dive boat runs into a terrible storm. Rain and wind and huge waves pound the boat. The divers are quiet but really scared. They are sure the boat is going to sink and they are all going to die. At the height of the storm, a young woman jumps up and exclaims: "I can't take this anymore! I can't just sit here and drown like an animal. If I am going to die, let me die feeling like a woman. Is there anyone here man enough to make me feel like a woman?" One of the dive masters stands up – a tall, handsome, muscular man, he smiles and starts to walk up to her. As he approaches her, he takes off his shirt. She sees his huge muscles – already, she is glad for her decision. He stands in front of her, muscles bulging, shirt in hand and says to her: here, Iron this!"

How many people does it take to circumcise a whale? ..........Four skin divers.

The "Brian" in the following letter is sending this to his sister. He is a commercial diver for Global Divers out of Louisiana. Anytime you think you have had a bad day at the office, remember this letter....True story.

April, 1998
Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of shit sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temp. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a damn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is I take the hose and stuff it down the back of my neck. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my ass started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened to me. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. This is even worse than the poison ivy you once had under a cast. Now I had that hose down my back. I don't have any hair on my back, so the jellyfish couldn't get stuck to my back. My ass crack was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into my ass.

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the comms. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he along with 5 other divers were laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make 3 agonizing water stops totaling 35 minutes before I could come to the surface. I got to the surface wearing nothing but my brass helmet. My suit and gear were tied to the bell. When I got on board the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to shove it up my ass when I get in the chamber.
The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't shit for two days because my asshole was swollen shut. I later found out that this could easily have been prevented if the suction hose was placed on the leeward side of the ship.
Anyway, the next time you have a bad day at the office, think of me. Think about how much worse your day would be if you were to shove a jellyfish up your ass. I hope you have no bad days at the office. But if you do, I hope that thought will make it a little more tolerable. Take care, and I hope to hear from you soon.

Love,

Brian

Top 10 Ways diving would be different if Bill Gates were in charge
10) Useless tips would show up on your dive computer every time you turn it on.
9) You could never remove that darn Internet Explorer icon from your dive computer.
8) This year's promised equipment models would eventually be released two years from now.
7) None of your new gear would be compatible with any of your old stuff.
6) Equipment dealers would be required to bundle a parachute with every scuba package so Bill could eventually dominate the sky diving market (a natural tie-in).
5) When you called Microsoft to schedule a dive trip, you would be left on hold for a long time, and when you finally talked to someone you would be given a lot of information on diving that was absolutely correct but completely useless.
4) Every dive computer would be from Microsoft and any deaths from them would be explained as a "beta version" problems. Don't worry, we'll fix that in the next release.
3) Every time you were really close to your destination, your boat would crash.
2) Your air supply would stop and have to be restarted every couple of minutes and you would accept this as normal.
1) Bill would steal all the good gear ideas from other manufacturers, copy and release it 5 years later under another name and call it "revolutionary".

How To Fail Your Open Water Test:
a. Tell your instructor you will race him to the surface.
b. Lie face down and motionless while holding your breath.
c. Loudly proclaim that safety stops are for "wossies".
d. Show up with a set of tables based on your own algorithm "that's WAY better".
e. Spit in your wetsuit and pee in your mask.
f. Ask your instructor, which fin goes on which foot.
g. Tell your instructor there is no way you can lift a cylinder with 2000 pounds of air in it.
h. When asked for your dive plan, you hand over a bundle of travel brochures.

How Do You Know Your Buddy Is Suffering From 'narcs':
a. He keeps staring at himself in your mask.
b. You find him buddy breathing with a shark.
c. He pees in his dry suit.
d. His mask fogs under water and he spits in it.
e. Your mask fogs and he spits in it.
f. He looks at you cross-eyed and slurs his bubbles.

What Not To Say On A Dive Boat:
a. "Can I keep this coral your anchor broke off?"
b. "Buddy? Oh, did I go down with a buddy?"
c. "Can someone lend me a computer, mine keeps flashing 'DECO VIOLATION'?"
d. "Does anyone else smell smoke?"
e. "What do I do with this bucket of vomit?"
f. "Is that your mask under my tank?"

When Do You Need To Practice Better Buoyancy Control?
a. You rely on the silt trail you always stir up to find the shot line at the end of the dive.
b. You insist that you never wear fins because it makes it more difficult to walk on the bottom.
c. The only place you can hover is at the surface.
d. On ascents, your entire body clears the surface of the water.
e. You use 50 bar for breathing and 150 bar for your BC.
f. You are certain you went for one dive, but your computer has logged three.
g. You think being neutral in the water means that you don't fight with your buddy.

How Good Is Your Instructor?
You know more than your instructor when:
a. You have to lend him a weight so he can get under.
b. He keeps calling his scuba cylinder an 'oxygen tank'.
c. He fills out a dive log entry for every pool session.
d. He is a victim in your rescue course, and he isn't playing.
e. His new dive computer is a Palm Pilot.
f. You ask him about nitrox and he says he doesn't watch wrestling.
g. If you get hiccups underwater he tells you to hold your breath.
h. He tells you not to worry about your gauges, "YOU'LL KNOW WHEN YOU'RE OUT OF AIR!!"
i. He tells you to wear gloves so that the coral won't cut you as you drag yourself over the reef.
j. He tells you to use all your air underwater - "waste not - want not".

Do You Know Your Buddy?
Does your buddy hate you if:
a. He gives you the "wait here" sign and you are still on the boat?
b. He "forgets" to close your dry suit zipper?
c. When you give him the out of air signal, he passes you his snorkel?
d. When you indicate you are low on air, he writes on his slate "I'll get you some" and swims off?
e. You give him the "OK" signal and he gives you the finger?
f. He spits in your mask for you, but you haven't taken it off yet?

Is your buddy experienced if:
a. He asks, "which one of these thingies goes in my mouth"?
b. He offers to carry everyone's gear to the boat?
c. He thinks BC is a comic strip about cavemen?
d. He's upset when you tell him his dive computer doesn't run windows '98
e. He pees in his wetsuit BEFORE he gets in the water?
f. He argues that NITROX was a monster who battles Godzilla?
g. He says "Oh, I just wait 'til I get that "tingling feeling", then I know it's time to surface"?